Auditions-Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead
Crystal: Marlows Davis, the boy who would be an Idol, umm, in his head, came and went with this mantra, “I basically is a natural.” This signals to the millions watching that we are about to be punished acoustically for laughing at him, and, of course…we were. I think he must have been practicing in a padded room with earplugs stuffed in his ear holes.
Crystal: Generally speaking, if someone has a truly irritating speaking voice they are going to have a truly irritating singing voice, which is to say, they will have no singing voice. And Tiffany Christianson all but proves that theory. With her red cowboy boots and three years ago hair cut, she sang, “I ain’t leaving ‘till they throw me out!” Fortunately, for AI bouncers, she walked her talentless ass right out of the audition room after coming face to face with three grimaces.
Crystal: There were two Paula Wannabes tonight, Olivia Dudley and Angela Garcia. Now, here is my problem with that, Paula’s no singer, they never gave her songs for a songstress. They are not songs to prove to anyone that you can sing…therefore, if you are thinking “Oh, yeah! I’ll sing a Paula song,” there is a tremendous possibility that YOU CAN’T SING.
Gina: The best was the chick who sang “Rush, Rush” a song that showcases Paula’s lack of singing talent to the extreme. That song sounds straight stupid when you try and dress it up with lots of trilling. Especially if you can’t sing in the first place.
Crystal: Lisa Tucker, a small warning, when you sang for your audition (and you did a great job) Paula’s head was running a mile a minute with these thoughts: “I wonder if anyone would miss her if I kidnapped her, drug her, bring her to my secret lab, have my doctor cut out her vocal chords and implant them into my throat? I could do it this weekend, I only have that manicure scheduled…have to remember to get her address...how far way is Anaheim?”
Crystal: I do not think it is fair that we all have to suffer through a season of Brett “Ace” Young just because Paula needs to get some. That’s all I wanted to say.
Gina: I know, I’m not looking forward to Paula telling me how much I should like him and think he’s cute. I do, however, look forward to his ouster and watching Paula completely lose her shit, just like she does every year.
Crystal: So Rochelle Elaine from Kansas says she’s been evicted and has no place to go home to if she doesn’t make it to Hollywood ALTHOUGH about half a million relatives showed up and spent what looks like all the rent money on T-shirts that spelt out her name. That’s money well spent.
Gina: All I could think is that she’d better be good because I am going to feel bad laughing at a homeless person. Also? While I appreciate honesty and everything, I don’t think I’d go on the most popular show in the history of freakin’ television, or whatever, and tell people I got evicted. I would have had to dress that up a little. I think that you should be allowed to lie in situations like that. Although that gimmick is probably what got Rochelle in front of the judges to begin with.
Crystal: Here’s the thing about Rockers. Many times they suck because they rely on screaming or a weird, fake vibrato. But, I think I speak for a lot of people when I say, I’m not looking for quantity on Idol, all I want is one great Rocker to make this season for me. Will it be the Fat Constatine guy? Or will it be Naomi Guse, after Joey Ramone comes back from the dead to kick her ass for ruining his song? Nope…but Chris Daughtry will probably be one I’ll root for. And not because he used the “Thank you, thank you very much,” send off, but, he’ll get better at performing, I promise you.
Gina: I hate to be the voice of doom, but there was a small part of me that was like, NOOO, don’t make it to Hollywood, Chris! I had all these visions of him getting pretty far in the competition, leaving his wife for some LA broad, and becoming a virtual stranger to his children. He seems like a decent dude, I hate to see a happy family get broken up. But you and I both know that if he gets very far, that is a definite possibility.
Crystal: So, what do you guys think…is the world ready for an Asian and/or Mexican Tony Bennett? Decide and let poor Erik Mena know.
Crystal: Okay, someone’s hit a soft spot in my rotted, embittered heart and his name is Garret Johnson. I tell you, I’ve never wanted someone to make it to Hollywood so bad in my whole years of watching this show. Not for talent, mind you, but, Jesus Christ, the boy is from a town of FOUR PEOPLE. When he’s in California, it will be three! He’s never even been in public before! I’m not delusional, I don’t think he has a chance to make it all the way, I just wanted this tiny charmer to be able to fly on a plane and keep dreaming his dream…I’m serious. He’s a total 50s throwback. He’s like Brendan Frasier from Blast from the Past, but, cuter and with more talent.
Gina: That was the most ADORABLE Idol audition ever. The best was when he was so excited that he made it that he took a faceplant while jumping up and down with his family. Seriously, the puppy-dog cuteness with this one is off the charts. He’s got a snowball’s chance to make it past Hollywood, but this cold, mean, callous, bitch is rooting for him.
Crystal: I don’t want to put a lot of time and effort into someone who is a walking joke and, honestly, way too easy. But, Nick McCord, let me ask you something, how does someone who finds it so difficult to put a sentence together manage to run four or five businesses? Do four have to do with drugs?
Gina: If he were my drug dealer, I’d fire him. It would take four hours to do a simple deal because he lacks the ability to speak as a normal human being.
Crystal: You know what? I don’t like you, Ben Hausback. You’re an arrogant dork which is never a good combination. Your coaster “invention” sucked worse than your singing.
Gina: This guy reminded me of Ralph Finnes, if Ralph Finnes were not at all handsome and really creepy. The frail hunch over-ness, the awkward smugness, his barely concealed belief that he is the smartest person in the room at all times, that stupid fucking coaster…this guy….I’m telling ya…this is the kind of guy that hits on me. Believe me, it’s not very fun when that happens.
**Best Moment of the Night** After Ben didn’t get a chance “to get to the good part,” and since they did not give him a chance “to evolve,” Simon told him, “This is nonsense! You’re useless, I’m bored, yes or no?” Randy (what the hell? He got funny over the break!) advised him “Definitley, no. Should have invented something that could help you sing, dude.”
Gina: “American Idol: The Search for a Tablecloth” was the best for me, but I do agree that Randy took funny lessons over the hiatus or something. I don’t remember him ever making me laugh out loud before.
Crystal: I’m sort of obsessed with trannies. I have been since I saw Adventures of Pricilla Queen of the Desert in the seventh grade. So I knew, without a doubt, that little Zachary “Queen of the Night” Travis was a boy,, albeit, a boy with gender issues. Here’s some advice, Zach, performing trannies LIP SYNC, and there is a very good reason for that…men can’t sing women’s songs.
Gina: I felt really badly for Zach because he could actually carry a tune pretty darn well. Here’s what I think. Zach, the second you turn 18 you need to move to New Orleans, Las Vegas, or Miami and start your own drag cabaret act. You can make a really good living at it, you’d get to sing the kind of songs that you’d like, and most importantly I think you would be excellent at it. I hope that someone saw him and was thinking the same thing I was because this is obviously what Zach was born to do. I am being 300% sincere. I really felt for the dude/chick.
posted by Please Stop, Ellie Mae @ 12:54 PM
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