Audtions Day One-Chicago and Their Mighty Fine Hot Dogs

CHICAGO—The Proof is in the Paper


The audition portion of American Idol has begun! This was the sweet release I have been looking for. Oh, how I’ve missed Ryan’s “I have a Dream” speech and Simon’s man-breasts. Let’s start with our winners of Tuesday night.

The Generic Two Timer

CRYSTAL: Why did the three messiahs give Derek Dupree a second chance? Why did they allow themselves, and the rest of us, to be subjected to the Dupree twice in one night? I know they did not actually believe he was going to improve in one hour so sometimes their logic baffles me. I will give Dupree this though: Anyone who talks his way into a second audition only to sing a ditty prominent in Porky’s Two-Porky’s Revenge (Constance Will Fulfill Your Needs), should have gone to Hollywood.

GINA: This guy reminded me of Wesley Willis. Like, as in he looked like him and couldn’t sing like him and is probably certifiably insane like he was.


Seriously, Where is her Golden Ticket?

CRYSTAL: Alright, very short here, that girl Katrina…she sang THE HUMPTY DANCE…pay her freaking way to Hollywood. Stat.

GINA: I must have missed this part, but um….they’ll let in the annoying guy that jumps up and down and screams like an idiot, but don’t let in the girl who did Humpty Dance? Dude, she once got busy in a Burger King bathroom. That’s….unjust in every sense of the word. Can we at least reward the people who are actually funny instead of the guy who screams?

Crusty Simon

CRYSTAL: Moments after Randy called Simon “crusty” Mandeesa (no last name needed) walked in and sang very nicely. Paula said she had a “Frenchie” quality, referring of course to the giant talent that was Frenchie Davis who was axed from the show in Season Two because of some nudie photos, and Simon responded with “Forget Frenchie, she’s like France.” At which point I laughed at a fat joke. I should never laugh at a fat joke.

GINA: Simon was full of extra piss and vinegar last night. Is anyone else just like, hot on fire for him right now? Is that just me?

American Hobbit

CRYSTAL: Kevin Brenneman, you know the one Simon referred to as a wasp, would kick so much hobbit ass if he was auditioning in The Shire, in America, eh, not so much.

GINA: He’s not fat enough to be a hobbit. They are a sturdy creature, you know. He looked like a toy. A little Pocket Idol.

Should We be Embarrassed, Gina?

CRYSTAL: I am only bringing up the girl in the wedding dress because she is from St. Peters, MO which is like ten minutes away from where we live. I, just, I don’t know…that was her Prom dress…I don’t want people rolling their eyes going “Oh God, Midwesterners suck…”

GINA: To lift directly from my notes: “I swear that we don’t wear dresses like that to prom.” And you know, people do think that Midwesterners suck, but I think New York sucks, so I guess we’re even. God Bless flyover country, I say!

CRYSTAL: The second Missourian was the tragic-ly closeted Erik Lawhon who talks like my sister and sings like my very tone deaf mother. Erik has been getting false confidence from his domineering Grandmother who spoke down to Simon, but seriously, lets get real here. Erik, please, take the advice Simon attempted to bestow on another contestant, go back home, practice your female impersonation with your grandmother’s dresses, move to the Big City, and be the coolest thing that ever came out of your town in Missouri, Population 338.

GINA: I had to sit and think about Erik for a good twenty minutes or so. Mostly because I wonder how someone so gay came from a family so white trash? Erik is the kind of offspring I would expect from pale, nebbish, intellectuals, not from beer swilling NASCAR loving, rural Missourians. He did however, provide Simon with the biggest laugh of the night (for me, at least), “Well, I was going to let you through, but Randy and Paula…” Thank you, Simon, just for being in my life.

Thanks, Mom!

CRYSTAL: Ah, Christ, her name had to be Crystal (Parizanski). And she makes us all look dumb as she explained everything else, from her song title to where she came from, when Simon asked her about her suntan because she is a CLASS A MORON. She looked like a skinny, arrogant oompa loompa. Then her Mother came in and they looked like the Garish Botox Twins of Illinois. Scary!

GINA: I kept on saying it was like the Barbie Twins but without the implants and they were, you know, mother and daughter instead of twins. It works out because they both look to be about the same age, anyway.


****Best Moment of the Night**** She is, as Simon says, “An absolute no.” “But, you didn’t let me finish the song,” Crystal pleaded. “We don’t let anyone finish the song,” explained Paula. “Yeah, we can hear,” snorted, the suddenly very funny, Randy.

GINA: You know you have nothing left to live for once Randy Jackson has gotten a good crack in about you.


Crazy Dave Can Talk to the Animals

CRYSTAL: For some reason, ones I would never want to discover, Paul and Randy voted yes to allowing Dave Hoover to go to Hollywood where he can talk to the animals…my guess would be he developed that skill when all the humans ran away.

GINA: Ugh, it’d be one thing if he were funny. I’ve seen way funnier auditions than him and it angers me that he’s the one that they’re going to let through. It’s just some dork jumping up and down and yelling. That’s it. That is not television worthy. If I were Mary Roach I would be SO PISSED right now.