The 24 Semifinalists

THE TOP 24 CONTESTANT S



Twelve Chicks, Twelve Dudes, Twenty Losahs!

The night has come. The last night the judges can make any real decisions in the American Idol process and we anxiously watch as The Three Stooges eat it up like Honey Baked ham and mashed potatoes on Easter…deee-licious. The only thing we have to look forward to now are Simon’s biting analogies about their voice or choice of clothing, Paula’s incoherent rumblings, and Randy’s “I don’t know, Dog, it didn’t work fo me.” The no longer decide who is should stay and who should pack their shit and head it on home. So let us savor this tonight, because their Powers will not return until next year.


Before I get to the decisions can I just point out that Ryan looked unusually gross and hung over tonight? I mean, it could have been the satellite reception, but he looked gaunt and hairy (what’s up Shemale, you’ve got to shave that beard for TV) and he had dark circles under his eye. I will give you one good reason why I don’t like this haggard look on Ryan, it makes me think he was out all night drinking in a strip club, stuffing dollar bills down the undies of the “ugly one” and acting like every other normal man. I want to stay with my safe image of him sitting at home with his light up magnifying mirror studying every pore in his face, drinking chamomile tea out of a dainty cup and watching Notting Hill for the thirteenth time. Don’t screw up my fantasy, Seacrest, my fantasies are all I have.


The first three/four minutes were like rapid fire bullets buzzing past our heads in second long bursts:
Jessica Santo?—NO!
Bobby Bullard?—NO!
Brooke Barrettsmith?—NO!
Nick Whitten?—NO!
Stephanie White?—NO!
Crystal Stark?—NO!
Bobbie Dillard?—NO!
BAM
BAM
BAM
At this rate I was wondering how on earth they were going to be able to make an hour long show out of this. Then, of course, I remembered this was THE show to make an hour out of NOTHING. They never cease to amaze me in that department.


Kathryn McPhee, and early show favorite among the judges, and dare I say, me…got to do something that makes me absolutely hate her with the greenest color of envy in all the universe. For comedic purposes I should say “she kissed Paula,” but I can’t even for the joke, I’m too upset. Nope, she got to kiss Simon.
That does it, I’m auditioning next year.


Channeling Eddie Vedder, 1997, Ace Young is like sand under my skin, salt in my eyes, lemons in my mouth, and Celine Dion in my ears…he’s painful, people, painful. I hate you Paula, you and your hormones. I wish you would learn to control yourself. I saw that “phew” and waving air to your face when he left the room, all of America saw it, didn’t you learn your lesson last year?


One of the worst displays of Taking it Badly came in the form of a twenty six year old gal named Julie who proclaimed, “I’m 26 and it’s over. I have a six year old.
I’m. Twenty. Six. I’m done.”
I too am 26.
I’m done?
When did 26 become the new 35???


I think if anyone wants to dispel rumors that American Idol is weight-est or ugly-est (I don’t know if they’re claiming that one, but it seems to be true) then look no further than Top 24 Contestant Robert Bennet, Jr. There’s no mistaking him for skinny or pretty, he’s just a good singer and they picked him…now it is up to America to do the right thing.


There are people in this world that make me feel small, petty and completely immature in all levels of my personality. Mandeesa is one of those people. She calmly explained to Simon that he hurt her feelings and that she cried (something she managed to say without, in fact, crying. Wha?) Then she said she forgave him. She had me all the way up until she squeezed something about Jesus in there and I tuned out. Again, it’s a defense mechanism.


Then there was a fidgeting montage. I hate fidgeting and didn’t appreciate it the way it was meant to be taken. It was people around moving, tapping, thumbing and I could smell the sweat through the TV. Eww.


David Radford made it. This Standards crooning kid’s just not on my good list because he does the #1 Sinatra Face. Ugh. I liked his quote “I have no idea what I did right.” It just leaves it so wide open that I think I’ll leave it to the readers to decide what joke they want to insert.


Brenna Gathers…Simon! Simon, why do you have to let some loud mouthed, Titanic sized ego, chesty, spoiled brat into the competition every year? I think you hate your viewers… You secretly despise us all for watching this drivel and you’re tormenting us. Damn you, Simon. It works so well…