Boston is Wicked Awesome

Last chance for retribution, last chance to meet Simon, last chance for a chance. It was the last of the auditions and it was entertaining…I don’t know about the rest of you, but, I’m ready for some meat. I can’t wait for the backstabbing and breakdowns that tomorrow’s show will bring. Of course, before that, we must pay homage to tonight’s follies.

James “Ghost” Yokely Jr.

Crystal: He wants to be the American Idol because of “the way [he] flows” and because his sound is “melodos.” Well, let me pose this question, Ghost: What is worse than a white rapper? How about a badwhite rapper with an Original Patriotic Rap? Yeah, I vote for the latter. Ugh.

Gina: The only Patriotic Rap band I want to listen to is my ex boyfriend’s white guy rap group, Congress. (www.myspace.com/congress) Because unlike James Yokely, I know they mean it when they say “Bitches and butt sweat hanging from my nutsac” they mean it.

Red, White and BORING

Crystal: There should be some sort of law against Type A, All-American personalities and putting them on TV to make the rest of us look bad. Ayla Brown, with her Senator Father and TV Personality Mother in tow, sings well, plays basketball, and took a scholarship to college when SURLY some other person who was just as deserving and more in need wanted it. So, she got another thing handed to her, a ticket to Hollywood, and it just made me dislike her more. Cowell got it so right when he said there was “something empty” about her. Let’s see if she can work on that.

Gina: I know, she seems really nice, but my hate for her was both immediate and intense. I fucking hate perfect people. Yes, it’s because I’m jealous.

The Gypsy Soprano

Crystal: I mean, what’s the deal? Is it some sort of AI Rule that all foreigners need to be terrible singers? Don’t we laugh at foreigners enough in day to day life? Do they need to parade around on TV doing their worst karaoke performances to date? Please, Irada Jafarova, just stop. Don’t give people another chance to point and ridicule, you’re giving your country a bad name.

Gah! Another Pretty Girl

Crystal: So she’s not as boring personality wise as Ayla, but Rebecca O’Donahue (of the O’Donahue Twins) is just as boring of a singer. I hope this whole competition isn’t filled with soulless, bland, pretty girls. We need to stay at home behind our computers where we belong.

Gina: Not to be a dick or anything, but AI was founded on bland, soulless, pretty, girls. In fact, if I remember correctly, one won last year.

Keep It To Yourself!

Crystal: Tatiana Ward is like this girl I knew back in high school that I talked about behind her back. The reason I talked about her behind her back was very reasonable, she shared WAY TOO MUCH. She was forever talking about her horrible family life, her horrible childhood, how much she weighed, etc... all within the first few minutes of meeting her. That’s Tatiana’s problem. I do not care that you are trying out for AI because you want to get back at your Grandmother. No one cares. It’s weird. Trust me, Miss, you made no friends here tonight.

Gina: I, on the other hand, very much enjoy the person who shares too much because I am fascinated with people that have no shame. Especially when said shame is a painful past rife with domestic drama of Oprah book club proportions. I agree with you, Crystal, that it is weird, but I swear there is nothing better than being at the bar listening to the guy or gal that wants to tell you their entire, tragic, life story. Believe me, with enough booze, you go right past that uncomfortable, “I can’t believe you are telling a stranger these things” stage and right into “God, fucked up people are so interesting” phase.

Geriatric Idol

Crystal: Holly Corrente has a strange job. She sings and plays guitar to the elderly in rehabilitation homes to help them. Uh, since when does listening to someone play an acoustic guitar make people happy?

Gina: I’ve mentioned this guy before, the acoustic guitar playing douchebag poseur that used to come into my weekend job, and quite frankly he’s ruined unplugged guitar for me forever. Point is an acoustic guitar does nothing but make me want to break it in half and shove the neck up your ass and use the body to beat you to death with. That’s probably just me personally, though. God that guy sucked.

So Many Sound Bites, So Little Time

Crystal: False confidence brewing from a greased up, smarmy grinned, trendy priss is not my idea of a good time. It’s not Simon’s either from the looks of it, but Kenneth Maccarone, seemed to think that he was going to walk out of that room with some dignity after horrifying people with an uncannily similar sounding Cher song. Yeah. Alright. But this audition presented us with all kinds of great quotes and here is an array of some of my favs:

“They know what they want. And they’re going home with me.” Kenneth

“What was that??” Simon

“That was Cher.” Kenneth

“You do sound like Cher.” Simon

“Thank you.” Kenneth

****Best Moment of the Night****

Simon told Kenneth he needs to try Drag. Kenneth was pissy and after Kenneth storms out of the room with a huffy “Thank you for the opportunity.” Simon says, “…you try and help…” (and I really think he believes that)

Gina: My best moment had to be Simon’s “You do sound like Cher” which doesn’t sound nearly as hilarious written as it did when he said it.

I Blame Aiken

Crystal: I am beginning to hate that Clay bastard for all these assholes they let through the velvet ropes on their way to the televised audition just because they look like that HUGO dork with a good singing voice. Michael Sandecki looks like Clay but he doesn’t sound like Clay, and thank God, because I don’t want to see him evah again. And, really, since when does urine affect the vocal chords?...he was annoying on oh so many levels.

Gina: I know that this is probably just me, but I didn’t find him all that annoying. Probably because I was doubled over with tears of laughter at seeing this more rattish, skinner, and dare I say it because I did not think it was possible, gayer version of Clay. Michael Sandecki managed to be both more entertaining and less annoying than the real Clay and that’s saying a lot. Also, his pee line, I dunno, it made me laugh. I kept on thinking that it was like the 80’s comedy classic, “Twins” starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny De Vito. Clay would be the one who got all the good genes, the singing voice, the (alleged) charm, while Michael got whatever was left over. That is so heartbreaking….to know that you are little more than a less talented, uglier version of the Gayken. But less annoying and creepy, so you have that Michael. Good luck to you.