Group Auditions: Even more High School than Actual High School

American Idol: The Orpheum: Hollywood

Ah, Yeah, Sweetass, Sweet! I friggin’ LOVE the group auditions. They are like soap operas and highschool drama combined and it makes me long for the good old days of being heartless and cruel for no real reason. Tonight we have 99 of the heaviest egos in all of America in one auditorium to determine who is the best Idol…or rather…who is further along on the rag. Its backstabbing, its controversial, its hil-freaking-larious….Let’s begin!

Crystal:

Before the Performances—

So the Shakesperian Tragedy tonight begins with the lyspier than thou Terrell Brittingham who has been on a Nazi sized hissy because his group isn’t following his directions. Would anyone really take this guy seriously? Can you blame those two members of his group who went to sleep rather than get up and dance the night away? He’s like those English Bobbies with the ridiculous hats…there’s no authority there! I loved Terrell’s exclamation of “I don’t do groups!”…this is why I watch, because egos don’t like groups.

Performances—

Alright, every single year that I have watched AI I have had the same complaint during the group auditions, why don’t these people KNOW THESE SONGS? Not only does everyone have probably eight hours to memorize it, but these are old songs…they weren’t written last week…sheesh.

Turn it off Mariah Carey, turn on the Supremes every once in a while. That goes for the boys as well as the girls.

Paris Bennett is going to be a Superstar. Maybe not with this show. Maybe not for another few years. But, she’s going to be one of the best things that ever came out of this show. If she doesn’t win it will be like Britney Spears losing Star Search…her time will come…her time will come.

The Delphonics? Why don’t we just call them what they really are: The Tone-Deaf Motley Crew of Ugly. Sway, Anthony, Terrell, and Signature Normal White Guy, you guys should thank your lucky stars you were even able to be on TV. And, what a low, Terrell! Blaming ‘fro boy Anthony for being tone deaf after (he was the only one who didn’t make it on to the next round) was uncool. I turn deaf too when faced with listening to someone like Terrell for any length of time.

It’s a defense mechanism.

Why are there so many Rat Packers? Why are there four in a show that needs one, maybe none at all? I don’t understand the Judges appeal. It would be one thing if they just got up there and sang the type of music they liked, no one can be blamed for the type of music they like, but they all have to do that Face. They all do that smarmy, transparent, faux Sinatra face and it makes me want to laugh at them in a way that they can see me and know there’s a girl laughing at them. It’s mean. Please, guys, help me from being so mean.

Okay, and the Scene of the Night…Terrell and Darrell doing their best impressions of award winning Drama Queens. Darrell’s “heart was broken” after he misunderstood (possibly because he had his head up his ass) and thought his brother got booted. He respectfully declined on stage, in a most regal way, the invitation to stay in the comp…an American Idol first, I believe. As if that wasn’t funny enough, oh no, the O’Henry twist of it all was that Terrell was not booted, but in fact, asked to stay! Say it with me folks, Wah Fucking Hah. So the boys had to go back to the stage twice, with their fairy wings tucked delicately between their legs, and beg for forgiveness. This was seriously the best thing I’ve seen on here since Constantine was evicted! This is pure TV Gold!

Gina Takes on the Second Half

Break in format because I don't get to see the whole episode until I get some TiVo in my life, so Crystal is doing the first half and me the second. Fun times.

You know what I hate? I hate it when obnoxious, nitwit, attention whores decide to get all noble and make a big speech about how they’re going to quit because their stupid, oblivious, ass thinks their brother got cut. It’s not the speech that I hate so much as the pretending that it’s not about getting attention. It’s a really specific pet peeve but Derrell Brittenum, welcome to my sphere of hate. I was under the impression that the identity theft stuff meant that you would not be moving on in the competition. Certainly you wouldn’t BLOW IT LIKE THAT if you were a finalist. That’s what I kept telling myself, but after witnessing tonight, I believe that he, Good Sir Dodge Magnum of Hubris-shire, is capable of being that brazen. And stupid. What happens when you assume, Derrell? I did kind of like the “You shouldn’t have done that, bro”, from Terrell while Derrell shifts his eyes and looks for his next grift. His defeated tone alerts us to the fact that this probably isn’t the first time Derrell has gotten them both in trouble. It is interesting to note the Terrell is the one who turned himself in right away, after the unfortunate bust while Derrell went on the lam for a week. I think that helps make everything a bit clearer on the Brittenum twin dynamic front. I am reserving judgment on Terrell; the penal system might be able to rehabilitate him so long as they keep him far away from his brother.

There is like five seconds of Mandisa and everything is right in the world.

Awww, poor pretty Fran Drescher/Older, less annoying, Mikalah Gordon. You’re lucky those girls took you back, but, and maybe I’m stupid for this, but I would be really happy if everyone in my group sucked because when I go out there and do my thing, those lazy bitches are going to make me look good. Oh well, I guess it didn’t matter, anyway. It was nice knowing you.

Simon now chooses to let me down by allowing the Brittenum twins back into the competition. He is never going to learn if you keep validating his behavior. He is annoying in this specific, Drama Club kind of way. This whole pompous, look-at-me-please-look-at-me, selfishness that can only be found in people who were involved with theatre. Which makes sense since I have this whole “AI is America’s Drama Club” analogy; this whole deal is just big, nationwide audition for America: The Musical. And Derrell is so Drama Club it pains me.

Is it wrong that I enjoyed the Brokeback Mountain parody? I didn’t think it was funny, but I did get a little thrill from the utter subversiveness. I guess this is like grown up jokes in Pixar movies? If Shrek 3 has a Brokeback riff, I suppose I’ll know for sure that it’s okay to make gay cowboy jokes in front of children. I’d been wondering about that. Oh, and producers, why not utilize Ryan for such a skit? He could have gayed that up a notch but quick, in case you didn’t get your point across clearly enough.

Goodbye, Garet Johnson and your ability to turn my heart into corn syrup. At first, I’m so proud of the little guy who is doing a commendable job of keeping his shit together. Then, of course, he loses it, and for once I don’t mind the naked display of emotion. Probably because it’s genuine and not for the cameras or sympathy. Very refreshing. This is probably because I regard him as a child, as do the members of his group. I don’t think it’s possible to speak to him like an adult. It’s all just “Good job, little buddy. You did the best you could.” That’s all you can do when you are faced with innocence and goodness like that. I didn’t lose affection for him, even though he was terrible, and I didn’t lose respect because he cried. That’s unprecedented. I need a tape of Garet Johnson so that when I’m all pissed off or feeling cynical I can go downstairs and feel my heart grow three sizes just by listening to his little voice squeak “My mom says I’m like a steak, I have a really lot of talent, but I’m very raw.”

I love the song “Pretty in Pink” but I’m still not sure how I feel about good songs being used in commercials. I can’t listen to the Flaming Lips without thinking of Hewlitt Packard, and that just doesn’t sit right with me.

I already fully hate Ace. It’s his hair, I think.

Taylor Hicks had better make it.

I think anyone who is in a room with Mandisa is probably feeling pretty comfortable right about now.

Now is time to give props to room one, who is sent home by Simon. I saw only one crier and the moments of simple dignity are so few and far between on this show, so congratulations on not humiliating yourself. Well, except for you Cussing Crier. Bet you felt kind of stupid when you watched that back.

YAY! Taylor Hicks is sent through. I didn’t fall for their little trick. Ummm, there is NO WAY they aren’t sending Ace to the top 24. Have I mentioned that I hate him?

And to end the show, the emotional reuniting of the Brittenum twins. I was hoping that he wouldn’t see his brother and quit again, but alas, they share a tender, heart touching reunion. At least, that’s what it would be if it were at all sincere and not more showboating by the utterly loathsome Derrell. Have I mentioned I hate him, too? Because I do.