Yeah, That's Right, We're Still Watching and Judging You!

Last week my ass was knocked out from a persistent form of flu or lupus or some sort of cancer, I’m not sure, but I couldn’t so much as lift my head much less form opinions on American Idol Contestants…well, that’s not necessarily accurate, I could make the opinions, it was the formulating them in coherent sentences that proved difficult…

But, lucky for all of us, I have miraculous healing powers and am back to form witty, biting, satirical comments on my favorite TV show of all time…

Tonight I (Crystal) will be examining the girls with my fine toothed comb, tomorrow night, Gina will drool and probe the boys and then we’ll be together for the losers show on Thursday…

I have to admit, that although it was my idea to split up the nights, I am envious of Gina getting the boys because the gals were in a Perpetual State of Dull tonight and I found myself looking up pictures of a 21 foot giant squid on display in British Museum during certain people’s performances (seriously, look that shit up)…gah, just one big YAWN, folks, one big yawn…

Kathryn McPhee
All is Fair in Love? You know, I like Kathryn…she can sing, she’s unpretentious, she makes it seem effortless, but she couldn’t have chosen a worse song…I feel like her mother made picked that song because she is living through her daughter. Here’s the thing, Kathryn, no one cares if you can sing or if you’re a good performer if you bore us in a stupor…just ask Tony Bennett…or Chris Martin, for that matter.

Kinnik Sky
Gretchen Mutherfucking Wilson? Okay, I’m asking in all seriousness, what in Holy Hell was that all about? I came up with a little calculation about Ms. Wilson when she first became popular.
It looks like this:
Gretchen Wilson=White Trash Central
Who is this girl Kinnik? I am surprised to know anyone outside of a trailer park listens and memorizes songs by Gretchen Wilson. Kinnik, next time you want to “represent” your Southern roots try out for a Beauty Pageant or join a Baptist Church, anything but screaming out that foul pop country music.

***Best Moment of the Night***
Simon: “It was a theme park performance…”
Paula: “I would love to see you on a rollercoaster…would you smile?”
Simon: “Yeah…if you fell off.”

Lisa Tucker
I’m not even going to comment on Lisa Tucker. I have to go pop some Stay Alert just to finish this blog post after that performance…Jesus, we KNOW you can sing, Lisa…just…ugh…


Melissa McGhee
This past New Year’s Gina and I spent the night drinking and partying in southern Missouri at a bar named Hillbilliz (that “z” is no mistake people) and the opening act was a gritty-voiced, lesbianish singer with an acoustic guitar who was “not that bad considering where we are” type of performer…that performer may or may not have been Melissa McGhee…seriously. She’s a bar singer, pure and simple.
And not that I need mention it, but I will, her outfit was straight out of the Gretchen Wilson Collection. I can’t even begin to tell you how upsetting it is to have to mention Gretchen Wilson twice in one night. I’m hanging my head in sadness as I type.

Heather Cox
Whoopee, she sings Hero. Mariah Carey is one of those performers I always wish never existed. And Heather Cox is one of those girls I will completely forget after she is kicked off this Thursday which is kinda like she never existed, at least to me. She is soulless…she has no “it” factor and she reminds me of what I used to think about Jessica Simpson (pre-Newlyweds, mind you, before we saw her hilariously charming stupidity) which was just a Big Boobed Boring Blonde or, BBBB, for short. Thankfully, I don’t think she has the personality to ever have her own reality show…phew.


Brenna Gather
At Citigroup, where I work, we had a “Citi Idol” a few weeks back and it actually wasn’t too terrible. Two girls from my department were in the final six and one of those women sang Donna Summer’s “Last Dance,” a song that I love. This woman, who spends her days talking to annoying loan officers, sang this song WAY BETTER than Brenna could muster tonight. It doesn’t help that Brenna is ruthlessly annoying and most people are probably watching her wanting her to fail. I don’t know anymore, I tend to think I would like Brenna in person; I generally like people with big personalities. But, on TV, she comes off as an extra 10 LBS of obnoxious. I can’t say that I like her, but she wasn’t the worst tonight.


Paris (No Last Name Required)
See Lisa Tucker…Bette Midler…ugh


Ayla Brown
What are two of the most hateful words in the English language? Celine. Dion. Okay, so maybe that’s French, but you understand. This song choice makes me dislike Ayla more, which I didn’t think was possible. I mean, sure its wrong to hate her out of pure jealously, but I’m petty and shallow and frankly, I never made it a rule to like everyone…IT’S IMPOSSIBLE. And her stupid story about the tomboy who didn’t know how to put on makeup? Whatever. Who cares? Jesus, even Gina learned to do her makeup on her own!
The one thing I like about her: How just merely standing next to Ryan Seacrest makes him look like the smallest man to ever walk the Earth.

Kelly Pickler
Something to Talk About, indeed. It really is just a shame she wasn’t on the show last year…she IS Carrie Underwood but with a personality. She doesn’t have a chance of winning this year because we’ve already voted this girl as the American Idol…Carrie is simply a bland version of Kelly. Timing is everything, Kelly, hopefully you’re face puckering cutesiness will be enough to launch a career for you…I think a lot of us would like to see that.

Mandisa
Tonight I owe Mandisa an apology and a thank you. First off, I’ve been spelling her name wrong since I started this blog and she deserves a little more attention to detail than that. I’m lazy, Mandisa, and I’m sorry. Second, my Thank You starts with an explanation. I have a rule of automatically hating any and all music warbled by Faith Hill on principle. She is the epitome of pop country music and I’m sure my feelings on that genre has been fully documented…but, then there is the song “Cry” which, God help me, I’ve liked since it came out. It’s shameful and pains me to admit, but it’s actually sad and pretty and that’s what country music is supposed to be…so, Mandisa, thank you for singing this song tonight and making some of the guilt recede. I think I’ll sleep a little better tonight.


To sum up: Three Things
1. No one was particularly “bad” tonight but it was B to the Oring.
2. I am beginning to fear that this is turning in County Western Idol.
3. I now have an image of Paula Abdul falling out of a roller coaster seat as it spins upside down…the aftermath is a big puddle of hair and giant gold earrings …perfect. Simon, I love you.