Sorry for the Interuption
We are sorry for the delay but Gina and I are currently off to Pretty Vegas to see JD, err, I mean, INXS and we haven't had time to do the reviews for this week. We will have a double issue next week to make up for it!
We are sorry for the delay but Gina and I are currently off to Pretty Vegas to see JD, err, I mean, INXS and we haven't had time to do the reviews for this week. We will have a double issue next week to make up for it!
Crystal: Marlows Davis, the boy who would be an Idol, umm, in his head, came and went with this mantra, “I basically is a natural.” This signals to the millions watching that we are about to be punished acoustically for laughing at him, and, of course…we were. I think he must have been practicing in a padded room with earplugs stuffed in his ear holes.
Crystal: Generally speaking, if someone has a truly irritating speaking voice they are going to have a truly irritating singing voice, which is to say, they will have no singing voice. And Tiffany Christianson all but proves that theory. With her red cowboy boots and three years ago hair cut, she sang, “I ain’t leaving ‘till they throw me out!” Fortunately, for AI bouncers, she walked her talentless ass right out of the audition room after coming face to face with three grimaces.
Crystal: There were two Paula Wannabes tonight, Olivia Dudley and Angela Garcia. Now, here is my problem with that, Paula’s no singer, they never gave her songs for a songstress. They are not songs to prove to anyone that you can sing…therefore, if you are thinking “Oh, yeah! I’ll sing a Paula song,” there is a tremendous possibility that YOU CAN’T SING.
Gina: The best was the chick who sang “Rush, Rush” a song that showcases Paula’s lack of singing talent to the extreme. That song sounds straight stupid when you try and dress it up with lots of trilling. Especially if you can’t sing in the first place.
Crystal: Lisa Tucker, a small warning, when you sang for your audition (and you did a great job) Paula’s head was running a mile a minute with these thoughts: “I wonder if anyone would miss her if I kidnapped her, drug her, bring her to my secret lab, have my doctor cut out her vocal chords and implant them into my throat? I could do it this weekend, I only have that manicure scheduled…have to remember to get her address...how far way is Anaheim?”
Crystal: I do not think it is fair that we all have to suffer through a season of Brett “Ace” Young just because Paula needs to get some. That’s all I wanted to say.
Gina: I know, I’m not looking forward to Paula telling me how much I should like him and think he’s cute. I do, however, look forward to his ouster and watching Paula completely lose her shit, just like she does every year.
Crystal: So Rochelle Elaine from Kansas says she’s been evicted and has no place to go home to if she doesn’t make it to Hollywood ALTHOUGH about half a million relatives showed up and spent what looks like all the rent money on T-shirts that spelt out her name. That’s money well spent.
Gina: All I could think is that she’d better be good because I am going to feel bad laughing at a homeless person. Also? While I appreciate honesty and everything, I don’t think I’d go on the most popular show in the history of freakin’ television, or whatever, and tell people I got evicted. I would have had to dress that up a little. I think that you should be allowed to lie in situations like that. Although that gimmick is probably what got Rochelle in front of the judges to begin with.
Crystal: Here’s the thing about Rockers. Many times they suck because they rely on screaming or a weird, fake vibrato. But, I think I speak for a lot of people when I say, I’m not looking for quantity on Idol, all I want is one great Rocker to make this season for me. Will it be the Fat Constatine guy? Or will it be Naomi Guse, after Joey Ramone comes back from the dead to kick her ass for ruining his song? Nope…but Chris Daughtry will probably be one I’ll root for. And not because he used the “Thank you, thank you very much,” send off, but, he’ll get better at performing, I promise you.
Gina: I hate to be the voice of doom, but there was a small part of me that was like, NOOO, don’t make it to Hollywood, Chris! I had all these visions of him getting pretty far in the competition, leaving his wife for some LA broad, and becoming a virtual stranger to his children. He seems like a decent dude, I hate to see a happy family get broken up. But you and I both know that if he gets very far, that is a definite possibility.
Crystal: So, what do you guys think…is the world ready for an Asian and/or Mexican Tony Bennett? Decide and let poor Erik Mena know.
Crystal: Okay, someone’s hit a soft spot in my rotted, embittered heart and his name is Garret Johnson. I tell you, I’ve never wanted someone to make it to Hollywood so bad in my whole years of watching this show. Not for talent, mind you, but, Jesus Christ, the boy is from a town of FOUR PEOPLE. When he’s in California, it will be three! He’s never even been in public before! I’m not delusional, I don’t think he has a chance to make it all the way, I just wanted this tiny charmer to be able to fly on a plane and keep dreaming his dream…I’m serious. He’s a total 50s throwback. He’s like Brendan Frasier from Blast from the Past, but, cuter and with more talent.
Gina: That was the most ADORABLE Idol audition ever. The best was when he was so excited that he made it that he took a faceplant while jumping up and down with his family. Seriously, the puppy-dog cuteness with this one is off the charts. He’s got a snowball’s chance to make it past Hollywood, but this cold, mean, callous, bitch is rooting for him.
Crystal: I don’t want to put a lot of time and effort into someone who is a walking joke and, honestly, way too easy. But, Nick McCord, let me ask you something, how does someone who finds it so difficult to put a sentence together manage to run four or five businesses? Do four have to do with drugs?
Gina: If he were my drug dealer, I’d fire him. It would take four hours to do a simple deal because he lacks the ability to speak as a normal human being.
Crystal: You know what? I don’t like you, Ben Hausback. You’re an arrogant dork which is never a good combination. Your coaster “invention” sucked worse than your singing.
Gina: This guy reminded me of Ralph Finnes, if Ralph Finnes were not at all handsome and really creepy. The frail hunch over-ness, the awkward smugness, his barely concealed belief that he is the smartest person in the room at all times, that stupid fucking coaster…this guy….I’m telling ya…this is the kind of guy that hits on me. Believe me, it’s not very fun when that happens.
**Best Moment of the Night** After Ben didn’t get a chance “to get to the good part,” and since they did not give him a chance “to evolve,” Simon told him, “This is nonsense! You’re useless, I’m bored, yes or no?” Randy (what the hell? He got funny over the break!) advised him “Definitley, no. Should have invented something that could help you sing, dude.”
Gina: “American Idol: The Search for a Tablecloth” was the best for me, but I do agree that Randy took funny lessons over the hiatus or something. I don’t remember him ever making me laugh out loud before.
Crystal: I’m sort of obsessed with trannies. I have been since I saw Adventures of Pricilla Queen of the Desert in the seventh grade. So I knew, without a doubt, that little Zachary “Queen of the Night” Travis was a boy,, albeit, a boy with gender issues. Here’s some advice, Zach, performing trannies LIP SYNC, and there is a very good reason for that…men can’t sing women’s songs.
Gina: I felt really badly for Zach because he could actually carry a tune pretty darn well. Here’s what I think. Zach, the second you turn 18 you need to move to New Orleans, Las Vegas, or Miami and start your own drag cabaret act. You can make a really good living at it, you’d get to sing the kind of songs that you’d like, and most importantly I think you would be excellent at it. I hope that someone saw him and was thinking the same thing I was because this is obviously what Zach was born to do. I am being 300% sincere. I really felt for the dude/chick.
The two Johns (specifically a John Stevens and a Jon Peter Lewis) of AI Season IV had the opportunity to speak with me in what could be considered the greatest interview ever. While they did not win the coveted prize and went home with their proverbial tails between their boyish legs, these Johns did manage to get the girls hearts a puddlin’ and guys all around the US of A to roll their eyes in painful righteousness.
Matthew Rogers: FratDork Extrordinaire
You may not remember her name. Hell, you may not remember her face, but Carmen Rasmusen will always stick out in my American Idol Hallway of Horror as one of the most offensive singers in the competition. (Sorry, just had to add that she was known as "Stevie Shits" around my house-Gina) Let me start with a little history of myself.
(For anyone who has not had the pleasure of reading our last blog, you may find that from time to time, Gina and I talk about ourselves in the blog. You know, here and there, we happen to mention events from our own life that we for some reason think are funny or intersect in some way to what we’re saying…okay, a lot. We talk about ourselves a lot. If you don’t like that, you should probably stop reading right here.)
…and now back to myself. Around my sixteenth birthday I was introduced, by a friend, to Blondie. I owe Blondie a lot. It was a keystone. Blondie was the gateway drug into decent music that I could stop being afraid to share with my friends. Blondie was everything to me for a long period during post adolescence. Blondie is still the epitome of cool to me. If I had the guts or a smidge of the talent, I would still love to fashion my life after Debbie Harry. Alas, this girl is far too dorky to ever be as cool as Ms. Harry, but, even so, I still feel the need to vindicate her whenever her music has been taken in vain. Carmen took Blondie’s music in vain.
Carmen was brought back to Idol by Simon Cowell after she was not voted into the top 10. This will go down as one of his top five mistakes coming right in under those ugly sweaters. She was cute, to be sure, but her singing ability did not match her 1000 watt smile and I quickly grew tired of her goat-stuck-in-a-fence vibrato. Then she did it, she hit her lowest point, she decided to sing “Call Me.” Carmen can’t be that old. As a matter of fact, I think she had a high school tutor whilst in the competition. If she had taken even a miniscule moment from her all important studies and thought about the lyrics of the song she was about the destroy, she would have discovered that song was not for her:
Call me call me any anytime
Call me for a ride
Call me call me for some overtime
Call me in my life
Call me call me in a sweet design
Call me call me for your lover's lover's alibi
These words are spoken by a WOMAN. These are words from a woman seductress who has been around the block a few times, knows she is being used and is alright with that because she is out of her mind, crazy in love. These are not words to be warbled by a fifteen year old teenybopper with a bad case of the “I (heart) Justin Timberlakes” and who writes that her Idol is “my mom.” She ruined the song, she ruined the energy, and she helped prove my case that no one should be singing Debbie Harry except Debbie Harry.
Carmen, I hope you have since discovered what you want to be when you grow up, and I hope it has nothing to do with singing.
Love Ya's, Crystal
Almost a year ago, I watched the newest season of American Idol from the comfort of my mother's living room. I saw an older gentleman with long hair and bell bottoms prepare himself to perform on my television. I sniggered and made a hippie joke, waiting for him to massacre "Drift Away" and provide me with comedy, as so many on this show can be counted on to do. Imagine my shock and horror when it turned out that the hippie was talented. And not just in a Kelly Clarkson "Not my thing but I can totally understand why she won" sort of way, but rather in a "Hey, I might not mind checking out his stuff" way. I was unsure of how to deal with this ironic turn of events. I turned to the bottle to drown my shame. I didn't know how else to deal with the pain. Soon, I had alienated my friends, boyfriend, and family. I didn't know how to reconcile the person I thought I was with the person I am. Okay, okay, I didn't turn into an alcoholic. I did something even worse...
In the Wink of Justin:
And while Crystal has done cracking good job of describing the significance of Paula, Randy, the contestants, and most importantly, the smug bastard to end smug bastards, Simon Cowell. (Who, by the by, I am incredibly attracted to and I think that speaks leaps and bounds for the fact that I am going to wind up marrying a HUGE asshole because I find brutal honesty to be a total turn on even if it makes you a giant dick.) But there is one important element that you missed, Crystal. Ryan Seacrest and his frosted blonde tips.